The Puddle In Our Road

My birthday had finally arrived. July 29th. A day I will never forget. Along with the joy of 28 came the realization and sadness that comes when you go to a specialist to become parents.

I was convinced there was nothing he was going to be able to tell us. I was ovulating. What more could we ask for?

Egg + Sperm = Child

I had what I needed why wasn't it adding up.

So we go to our appointment. I hop up on the table and the nurse gets the transvag ultrasound ready.

Nurse, "Uterus, looks good."

Rachel, "whew"

Nurse, "Fluid, looks good. Sign you ovulated"

Rachel, proud as a peach says, "I know you don't care much for charts but yes I most certainly did 9 days ago in fact"

Nurse, "Right ovary, hmmmmmm."

Rachel, "I'm sorry sounded like you said 'hmmm', when I believe what you meant was 'All good"

Nurse, "1,2,3,4,5,6,...,14,15 well and that's just one side and we haven't even seen the left. The hospital calls these cysts. We call them follicles and this is is what Polycystic Ovary Syndrome looks like"

While staring blankly at the nasty woman Rachel has an internal monologue..."you will wake up. This is a dream. You do not have PCOS. This isn't happening. No tears. No tears. No tears. STOP CRYING. Why won't this woman shut the fuck up? I don't fucking care about my pizza slice cysts and why I don't have enough hormone toppings to make a full pie. Are you fucking kidding me? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"

Finally she stops talking and the doctor comes in for his part. Doesn't say much during the exam and before we know it I'm dressed and we are being ushered to his office.

We get the run down...

I do not have PCOS at the moment. Currently my official diagnosis is Ovulatory Dysfunction. That dx is subject to change once we have the following tests back.

Cycle day 3 (2 days into your period for the lay) full blood work up, 2 hour glucose tolerance test. The 2hr GTT is to test for Insulin Resistance. Apparently I show some signs.

Cycle day 14, get some lovin' then go in for post coital visit with the dildo cam.

We will begin fertility treatment with Clomid and Metformin. The Met will only be used if I am in fact insulin resistant. Clomid is a scary drug that has serious short and long term side effects. Despite all my extensive research and my proper questions about monitoring I'm scared.

We leave. I cried. I got angry. I cried again.

What if Paul wants to go find some fertile woman who can give him what I apparently can't? I ask, he says not a chance. I ask if he knew before he married me if it would have changed anything. He say no way. I cried again.

Oh well. Nothing to be done. Onward from here.