Bewbies ( • )( • )

As predicted these tatas brought me a great deal of distress in the first few days. I planned all along to breast feed, I thought it was best for Riley and myself. I knew that I would likely have some mental hurdles to overcome but I hoped we would be able to work through them.

I was very excited when 30 minutes after she was born they let me try nursing. The downside was that they just gave her to me and left. Before they could come back visitors started arriving and I tried to say I was BF'ing but got the "nothing we haven't seen line". I'm not sure why I had to be comfortable with my boob being exposed just because others were ok seeing it but whatever. Since I'm not comfortable AT ALL we ended the attempt before the nurse came back.

Since I wasn't showed what to do beyond a video, months prior, it hurt. A LOT. I was so upset with the first attempt I didn't want to try again. When I asked them to do formula the first night I cried. The told me the lactation consultant would be there in the AM and we could try pumping. It wasn't what I wanted but it would have to do I guess.

The lactation consultant was very nice and supportive. Pumping was less than wonderful. I had visions of cuddling my baby not being latched to a big machine like a dairy cow. We didn't get much that first session and the stupid night nurse tried to give it to Riley, who had a belly full of formula and was sleeping. So now I wasn't really getting any milk and my baby wanted nothing to do with it. I was done. It wasn't going to work. Formula it was. Riley was doing great with it so I convinced myself it was fine. I still cried on Wednesday too.

Our first day home I was battling again. I have never felt so guilty in my life. I didn't even try. I gave each one shot and gave up. How weak was I? How could I take that away from her without real effort? I always thought breast milk was best. I always knew I wanted our children to have it. Here I was with our first being a bigger baby than the baby.

That night, Thursday, my milk actually came in and I knew I had to at least try pumping again. I was crying and questioning everything and knew I had no good excuse. So Friday I went to the hospital to rent a pump. I have been pumping at every feeding and my supply has steadily increased. It takes at least 2 sessions to get a full bottle but she's getting the milk, which is all I needed.

Despite the bovinae like aspect of pumping it has been a good experience. It allows me a bit of freedom and I do not pump in the middle of the night. I also don't carry the pump so if we are out for a bit I may miss a session. I know this is likely the reason I don't get a full feeding in one session. It's OK. The benefits are in whatever she gets. We are making it work. The guilt isn't tearing me down and she is gaining weight like a champ (10oz in 6 days!!!).

I am so glad I went back. I know I needed it more than she did but it was something that was very important to me. I know that if I didn't opt to pump she would have been just fine. I think a very big part of the NEED to try again was because of how I felt like a failure who just quit without effort.

I have debated putting her back to the breast but I don't think so. There were some unexpected emotional feelings that I did not like and pumping is working. I have some moments when I feel like we may have missed some huge bonding opportunity but that feeling is getting better. I have to wonder how much of this is really my hormones being out of wack. Or my need to control a situation. Who knows.

It's our own wacky system but it works for us. We are all happy and content, which is the most important part.