3 AM

At 3am Riley started crying. She's been waking in the early morning & crying for the last few weeks. We let her work it out and she quickly falls back to sleep. This morning was supposed to be the same routine but little girl had other plans. 5 minutes in she was still going, 10 minutes and she sounded like she might be wrapping up her little episode, 15 minutes and it was clear she was not going to deal on her own. No problem, a bit of butt patting & rocking usually does the trick.

I drag myself into her room to find her little head up against the crib rail & she can't roll either way. Mommy guilt hits and I can see my Mommy of the Year aspirations ripped from my cold tired hands. If only I had come in right away. Oh well, we do the gentile shuffle away from the rail & proceed with the butt pat. Ummm no. Not having it. We are up and we are angry.

Clearly the diaper is full so I figure that's her damage. Umm no. We are NOT laying on the changing table. She narrows her eyes and pulls her eyebrows together in her look of sheer displeasure and lets me know this was not her plan. I find a random sock to distract & sing through the screams. Finally through flailing limbs and anger we have a fresh diaper. We settle into the rocking chair with the lovey but no. She is not interested. She's mad. Mom sucks.

We get a bottle. Mom of the year is already off the table so it doesn't matter anymore. She drinks quickly so I naively assume that was it. We settle again, this time with the lullaby, lovey, rock & butt pat, mom ain't playin' no games. I rock rock & pat she screams, rock & pat, rock & pat. She's glaring again and I can tell she's only tolerating this because I'm bigger & stronger. What feels like hours later she settles & the eyes drift. I stop the pat, eyes still closed. Let the rocker slowly come to a halt, eyes still closed. Stand up, oh wait, she wiggles, shit, pat and sway, pat & sway. Every creak of the floor boards & tap of the dog nails is my mortal enemy. The wiggle & whimper stop and I do a mental fist pump, yeah biotches mommas going back to bed! I lay her in the crib, practically climbing in with her to have minimal movement and the eyes fly open, the lungs let loose and she is once again angry.

Start over. Rock & pat. We run through the whole gamut a second time and the minute shes in the crib she's all kinds of irritates. Wtf! At 4:30, I get dad maybe that's what she wants. Personally I don't care, I just want to go back to sleep. It doesn't work. I can hear everything and I know I won't go to sleep anyway. Relieve dad, no point in us both being up and tired.

Finally she's spent, she's sleeping & in her bed. I crawl back to mine and realize its after 5, the alarm goes off at 6 and it will take me at least 20 minutes to get to sleep. It's pointless.

I'm tired. My kid has anger issues.

Note: it's 6:30 & she appears to be up again. Not quite so mad this time but she's clearly not sleeping. WHY?!