Friday, December 31, 2010

A Review of Sorts

WOW! I don't know what can even be said about this year. 2010 was one of my hardest and happiest years yet. It's one that will never be forgotten for many reasons.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions. The year started off great with goals and plans to accomplish those things. We had been trying to build our family at that point for some time and we knew it was going to happen any day.

We celebrated our 1 year anniversary with an amazing dinner at The Fountain in the Four Seasons. Hands down the best meal of my life!

Soon after I learned that I had a hormonal imbalance that was affecting our ability to get pregnant. Almost immediately after We received news that knocked me back down again.

I was completely consumed. I will admit that I probably should have seen a therapist at this point. Even I knew I was depressed but denial and anger can cover a lot.

Paul was amazing. He proved time and time again why I fell in love with him and just how perfect he really was. He handled everything with patience and strength that I could only pray for. He held me and reassured me that no matter what happened it would be fine. I'm crying while writing this because I realize now how heavily I relied on him and how much strength he gave me. No one knew the details of what we were struggling with, they couldn't relate and almost always guaranteed they would say something hurtful. Not that they meant to but they did. I felt that Paul was the only person I had to rely on and confide in; which is a heavy burden for even the strongest. He came through every time without fail or complaint. I owe him a lot. More than I could possibly repay.

While I didn't ever see a therapist we made the decision to move from OB to Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). This was a turning point for me and emotionally I was feeling better. I knew that an RE could give us the tools we needed. The move also made me more open and I opened up more to family and friends.

The same week we received our official diagnosis and a plan for our next steps we learned we were pregnant. I think, by peoples tones and attitude, many felt this should have been the end and it was all that mattered. Being pregnant didn't heal anything. It helped to start the process but it didn't take all the bitterness away. While I'm no longer in such a dark and evil place I'm still bitter (yes, I went there). It's something I'm working on and will continue to work on for awhile.

These last few months have been amazing and completely indescribable. I've never been so scared and happy and amazed all at the same time. It's been very dream like and sometimes I catch myself waiting for the bubble to pop. I pray that I'll be the only thing popping and not until April.

We have done a lot to our home. We are all painted and our windows are all finally dressed. Christmas finished our yard with a fence, our basement with it's TV and our nursery with it's rug. We also added kitchen cabinets and window treatments to the living room and dining room. We cleaned out both attic and garage creating a clean slate for both. We have no immediate plans for anything else and cannot wait to sit back and enjoy it in the new year.

I've never been quite so ready to begin a new year. 2011 will bring it's own trials and joys but I hope that 2010's lessons allow me to look at them differently. There is so much to look forward to in just the first half. We will be Aunt and Uncle x2! We will be Mom and Dad to a gorgeous little girl who wont ever realize how much she's loved. We are part of the most kick ass wedding party ever created. This new year isn't bittersweet I'm ready for a new leaf and a new year with a healthy marriage, an amazing hubby, a stable home, a supportive family and a heathy Baby.

2010 can kiss my ass.





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