Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Like any 13 year old I waited patiently for the boob fairy. For the record, she's late. About 15 years late. I'm still waiting for the bitch.

Throughout most of my teen years I felt like I was deformed or built wrong. It was impossible to find a decent bra and all the shirts had stitching and areas meant to be filled with boobage. Clearly the entire fashion industry couldn't have been wrong. EVERYONE else MUST be built that way. Sometime in my 20s I decided it best if my boobs and I just ignored each other. I would pretend like they didn't exist (because honestly they really didn't). I stopped trying on clothes that had any activity in the chest area. I refused to get upset that 98% wouldn't work for me and stopped hoping that maybe just that one shirt would fit differently. Instead I only looked at the 2% that I could work with. It helped that clothes shopping as a teen was so horrible for me that I only shopped necessities and only when the previous was so worn out I had no choice. My wardrobe is small, shockingly small.

My boobs have done nothing but cause me trouble and disappointment since they first arrived on the scene. Due to both their slow arrival and lack of motivation to be or look their best I have very little hope that they will step up their game for breast feeding.

I put a lot of expectations on myself. I expect to be able to do what I need and I look at BF'ing as something I need to do. Needless to say with lack luster ta-tas I'm concerned. It wasn't until the last month or so that I've actually thought about it and how I will feel if I can't BF. I'm trying to collect as much information I can about other options like pumping and supplementing with formula.

Last night was our BF'ing class and I thought it was great. It really put many of my fears to rest and I really do think that we can be successful with BF'ing. I just have to remember to ask for help. I am going to to be open to lactation consultants and all of their suggestions despite my modesty and fear. All in all the class was interesting and very informative. Out of the 3 classes we took this one was the only one worth it.

I give the instructor props. She said breast so many times it was ridiculous, didn't throw in one "boob" or any other colorful word. The videos were dated but for the most part pretty instructional.

Two things I didn't like...
1. During the "Benefit of BF'ing" scenes they spoke of uterine contractions and how BF'ing speeds up the shrinking process. Any female knows what a "uterine cramp" feels like. I found the actresses pained face and clutched pelvic area a bit over the top. She didn't need to smile and act joyous, but we all know they hurt. The baby eats 8-12x/day if that's the face your making in response to the pain I am less than enthused.

2. There was an illustration of the positioning of the nipple in the babies mouth to show the suck and swallow movements that the baby will use. In the illustration they showed milk flowing from the ducts to the nipple. They showed it exiting the nipple through 3 massive fault line like fissures. I realize that the nip isn't actually going to split apart like that but I side eye that visualization.

In the end I'm feeling slightly more confident and a bit less intimidated. At the moment I have no lingering questions, which is rare for me. I think we (I) have firmly decided to begin building a pumped supply as soon as possible. I really think it necessary for both my sanity and for Paul to have feeding time with her. I really think that with an open mind to adjustments and changes we can make this work for everyone!


  1. You have given hope to the smaller set :)

  2. Hey, a few things... firstly, I am not well endowed either. But, when the milk comes in, it comes in, and no matter how big or small, they're made to do the job.
    Secondly, do not feel ANY sort of bad way if you are, for whatever reason, unable to breastfeed. I struggled with that for months and MONTHS of Natalie's life, with added guilt that since she was a preemie, she needed it that much more. I felt like I was a failure as a Mom, and to her. But she never figured out how to latch and the whole process was more stress than it was worth. So I pumped, for 6 months. And I finally came to grips with it and realized it was OK. And she's doing GREAT now, even without the 12+ months of bf-ing. Either way, you do what you can do, and if it doesn't work out, you figure out what does. You will be an awesome Mom either way, do not let ANYONE make you think otherwise!

  3. Hey Lindy! I'm sorry you went through that, it could not have been easy on you. You hear so many horror stories it's hard to keep things in perspective. It seems that as a mother you can do everything right and it still may not work out. I'm trying very hard to go into it with an open mind.

    I still can't believe how big Natalie is getting! She's a gorgeous little girl!