Monday, June 27, 2011

My Last Week

This is my final week of maternity leave. It's heart breaking. Some women aspire to be doctors, lawyers, politicians. I, on the other hand, have never wanted to be anything other than a mom. I care very little for my "career".

I know that we have it better than some and I am eternally grateful that our situation allows me to only have to work 3 days a week. For that I feel like I am not allowed to complain or be upset. Many people do not have that ability. I feel selfish for allowing myself to be down about what is best for our family and wanting more.

It would also figure that in the last 2 weeks baby Riley has grown a bit of separation anxiety. There has been more than one occasion that no one but mommy can fix. It makes my heart both swells and breaks because mommy is not going to be there 3 days a week to fix anything.

Already being prone to anxiety I am struggling more than I thought imaginable. My heart is beating out of my chest. My hands are clammy. I don't want to put my baby down. My stomach is twisting and turning, very little food is appetizing. I'm so worried about every little thing.

Will she think I've abandoned her?
Will they lose their patience when she throws up on them repeatedly?
Will they take the hour required to feed, clean and feed again when she does throw up?
Will they stop cuddling her for feedings and prop her bottle when they realize how much she actually pukes?
Will she hear and feel their frustration with how slow she eats?
Will they rock her at nap time or just put her in a crib?
Will she be overlooked because she's not a crier and not mobile?
Will her happy spirit be broken when she sees me walk out the door and not return for hours?
Will those hours feel like days to her?
Will she sleep?
Will she search desperately for my face? My smell? My arms? My love?

How will I know? I'm only going to see what they want me to. It's what daycare is. It's also only human to get frustrated with your job.

How can anyone possibly show my baby the amount of love and joy she deserves? Even I feel like I fall short. There just aren't enough resources at my disposal to give her everything she should have. Some have commented on spoiling her. Is that so wrong? She's too young to know anything but how people make feel. So is it really so wrong to make her feel safe and loved.

I sit here crying and trying desperately to stop because my sweet little girl her sleeping peacefully on my chest. I'm trying so hard to will myself up the steps to lay her in her crib. I want to. I need to. I can't. I know she will sleep better on me. I love her weight, her snores, her peace. Just a few more minutes.

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